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Sunday, 30 January 2011

Shit Hit the Van

Would it be unfair to say that folk who drive Citroen Saxo’s, you know with the spoilers, scaffolding pole exhausts and a fairground PA system (in Blue..... and about an S reg) are twats? Maybe not all, but surely most!
Well this is a theory I have been working on since about 11-10am on Monday the 17th Jan. When driving out of Westcroft Shopping Centre after attending an important comfort break I was attacked by one Citroën Saxo (Blue.... S reg) travelling at an indecent speed across the car park. Unhindered by any thoughts of other road users or shoppers it managed to drive over a pedestrian crossing and a give way sign (within about 10 feet of each other) and park itself abruptly in AND around my front offside wheel / wheel arch. Thanks, nice grouping!
After that brief moment of NASA astronaut weightlessness where all my worldly possessions (and I) flew about inside my van cockpit at the moment of impact, I was able to regain my composure and glance down at my new Saxo attachment. As I parted the pages of my 1997 Milton Keynes road atlas hat I could see the now agitated driver (Blue, S reg) gesturing something like ‘Phones 4 U’ or similar. I, like a ham Italian silent movie star acknowledged with some sign language of my own which I believe was a passable ‘Mama Mia.’ Soon, just like Trevor Howard and Celia Johnson in Brief Encounter it was time to break off our short and tumultuous liaison and go our separate ways. For sentimental reasons as the Saxo spun its wheels out of my wheel arch and drove off I thought it prudent to jot down the vehicle reg and colour, but I really needn’t have worried because the driver stopped at some distance and got out to shout to me something with a F in it.
Unfortunately time was against us and as I pulled out my camera phone to start documenting the whole sorry affair, Saxo driver remembered that she really should be somewhere else (possibly anywhere else) and in a puff of smoke was gone. As I busied myself picking up bits of Citroen spoiler I found what appeared to be a glass slipper or a Saxo headlamp glass which I vowed I would return to its rightful owner via Thames Valley Police and the MIB as soon as was humanly possible.

Saturday, 22 January 2011

Get me out of here

Obviously, I have been working undercover for some time now and have not been able to blog due to personal reasons. Well, basically my car hasn’t had any tax for a short while and the Rozzers have turned up the heat. I have been living a bit like Raoul Moat for some time now. Well, not so much living rough, eating squirrels and shitting in the woods but basically just trying to avoid Paul Gascoigne. That’s really why I‘ve kept my head down!
Last Friday however the city was awash with celebrities. I unfortunately was battling with severe flu type symptoms, that I had self diagnosed as yellow monkey fever which I had kept me away from my beloved roasted monkey nuts and off my favourite swinging tyre for over a week or more, my No 1 daughter Kirsty was hob knobbing with the cream of the acting and dancing world in the MK theatre district. In less than 24 hours of the curtain’s final fall the Dick Wittington crew were partying hard with a crazy smorgboard of ryvita thins and fizzy water with optional fruit slices at the Slug and Lettuce’s 1’st floors green room. Apparently, Dirk ‘the face’ Benedict excused himself early, to take advantage of a ‘special’ Botox deal going down behind Conniburrow community centre, and the word was that before the night was out; either Gavin & Stacey’s star Joanna Page or Greek disco dancing enthusiast, Stavros Flatly would be high on goats cheese canapés and Retsina and table dancing topless. Unfortunately for all, it was ‘Britain’s got a talentless Greek’ Mr Stavros Flatly that offered the top down, festival of flesh whilst Mss Page behaved herself impeccably.